Tuesday, February 28, 2006

crack of dawn.

LiGhT oN tHe LoWeR eAsT sIdE.

reach out and touch someone.

oUt oF sErViCe.

well, i am very lucky and some stranger is both very kind and most likely crazy.

this morning, somewhere around 5:45am, in a moment of sheer brilliance and coordination, i more or less threw my cell phone onto the subway tracks at the lorimer station. it happened in slow motion. i heard my phone, which was safely tucked in the front right pocket of my bag, make that awful chirping sound it makes when it loses service and i got pissed because i knew i had checked to make sure it was on vibrate before i left my apartment for the very reason that i hate the chirping sound and i hate disturbing the silence of the subway station in the morning with that noise. i double checked, in fact, and, yet, it chirped. the fucking phone fucking chirped. i cannot win with this phone. it never keeps a charge for a consistent period of time. it suddenly and without warning shuts itself off. it occasionally takes up to 72 hours to send or receive a text message. the phone and i were not on good terms before this morning’s incident and, so, i reacted in anger to the chirping sound as i walked down the platform at the lorimer station and decided i needed to see how this could possibly be happening with the phone on vibrate. while i continued on my way along the edge of the platform so i could try to see if by any small miracle an L train was headed my way. with gloves on and laden with bags. i no sooner got the phone out of the pocket when it, not surprisingly, slipped right out of my gloved fingers…i watched it land on the strip of yellow at the very edge of the platform, halfheartedly tried to kick my foot out to stop it (like it was a soccerball?), as it bounced and spun right off the edge and onto the tracks. i uttered something to the effect of “shit” and stood there at the edge looking down at my phone. i was surprisingly calm. momentarily i thought, “maybe i should go after it?” then i thought, “what the fuck am i thinking? it’s just a phone, and i was an idiot and dropped it and now i have to live with it and buy a new phone.” so i stood there, frozen, serene, numb, silently saying goodbye to my phone when a stranger, who has watched the whole scene unfold, comes over to the edge of the platform, standing next to me, and asks if i would like him to go get it. ??? i said no. in fact, i said, “no, please, it’s okay. it's not worth the risk. it's just a phone.” momentarily it seemed like he wasn’t going to go after it. and i was relieved. subway tracks scare the shit out of me. but, then, suddenly, he was at the edge of the platform giving a glance to see if the train was coming, taking off his coat and gloves, and hopping down onto the tracks. no shit. he hopped down, picked up the phone and handed it to me, and then boosted himself back up again. i was in shock and at a total loss. what does one even do in such a situation? i thanked him profusely. but was i supposed to give him something, offer him something in return? i mean, he did, after all, just go down onto subway tracks to retrieve my phone. he doesn’t know me from a whole in the wall and had a train come he would have been shit out of luck. and still he took that risk so that i could have my phone. the math there doesn’t seem to add up. the risk/reward ratio seems a little off. i don’t know though, maybe this guy really likes phones and a cell phone has a lot higher value to him than to me. had i dropped my baby or an irreplaceable family heirloom, it would have been a different story, but, really, it was just my phone. none of which is to negate the kindness and generosity of this guy. i do truly appreciate his gesture and the risk he took for me. and it is astonishing to be the recipient of such a random and selfless act of kindness from a stranger. especially before 6:00am on a tuesday at the lorimer station in williamsburg.

Friday, February 24, 2006

a medal for mediocrity.

soLiD gOLd cRaP. i haven’t seen much of the winter olympics so far, but i did watch most of the ladies’ figure skating long programs last night and the ice dancing finals the other night and i have a few notes for the world of figure skating:

let’s step it up, kids. it’s like the whole sport took a collective step backwards. the choreography was unexciting and seemingly simplistic. the costumes were gaudy. i’m pretty certain that my beginning tap dance recital costume from the north andover school of dance circa 1985 was a higher grade polyester than most of what i was subjected to this past week. and i’m going to guess that we had a tighter budget and less sponsorship than the olympic athletes. the music choices were awful. it's the 2006 winter olympics and people are still skating to phantom of the opera? you have got to be shitting me. disgraceful. and unforgivable. 2 of the 24 ladies chose the love theme from romeo & juliet for their long program? this seems preposterous to me. there is a whole world of music out there, you pretty much have the freedom to take it in any direction you want, you know that the piece you choose will form the very core of your performance and, yet, you're going to go with andrew lloyd weber? the same song that she's doing?? the candy man from willy wonka choice for that beginning tap class recital of mine seems more inspired. i know i'm being harsh, but, then again, so was a lot of the bleached hair and black eyeliner i saw in torino this week, and it is, after all, the olympics, so the bar should maybe be a little higher.

that said, i probably couldn't even do a single axel with a harness, a spotter, and a gun to my head.

Monday, February 20, 2006

one true thing that don't fade.

bLaCk ReBeL mOtOrCycLe cLuB. blew my fucking mind this weekend.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

things i can take care of all by myself.

pOtTy tRaInEd. to the lady "working" the bathroom at webster hall, a couple of things...first of all, i don't like public restrooms, the fact that i am in there is enough of a challenge and inconvenience for me without you standing there expecting a tip and causing me to feel guilt that i am not going to give you one. is it so much to ask that i simply be allowed to get in, pee, and get the hell back out as quickly as possible, without interruption, without added stress? second of all, what the hell is it with the candy? no, i do not want any. i don't know where it came from, i don't know where it's been, and i, as a pretty steadfast rule, do not mix candy and toilets. third of all, i don't need a middleman when it comes to my toilet paper and paper towels. actually i'd prefer if mine were the only hands that touched those two items, so get your grubby hands off of them, i'd rather not wipe myself with something you just touched. and, lastly, the reminder to flush? absolutely unnecessary. i'm pretty sure flushing is covered in going to the bathroom 101.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

the beat goes on.

wHaT a ReLiEf. ha. i put off handing in my resignation for nearly a year. and now that it is done i cannot describe the sense of relief, of freedom, of ease that has come over me. or overcome me. i actually noticed a bounce in my step as i crossed park avenue this morning. a frigging bounce. i'm like some giddy little kid or something.

i'm very good at falling into patterns, at holding steady, at keeping pace. i am very sensitive to the rhythms around me and i will fall into line and obey them. and the anticipation of breaking that rhythm has always caused me to worry, more than is necessary. it's like when i played the violin as a child, the scariest thing in the world was always a piece or a movement that started on a pick up note. always. i could be staring at a sheet of music in some tricky time and key with sharps and flats all over the place and i'd be fine, unphased. but if i was staring at a sheet of music and that first note was a pick up, asking me to hear the beat and then break it, before i had even established it, i would seize up inside, and hold my breath until i was at least two or three measures into the piece. safely past it. i don't know why, exactly, it felt like throwing myself off the edge of a cliff. and of course i would always be fine. i would always hear the anticipatory downbeat and come in on the upbeat and get into the piece and live to talk about it. and of course syncopation and upbeats and surprise rhythms make music more interesting and are, in general, more fun to play. but i could never learn that lesson and let go of that fear, all i could do was start to appreciate that sometimes i would just have to put up with the thing that scared me, just do it and get through it, and trust i would be okay afterwards. i think i looked at this whole "career change" like that and telling my bosses i was leaving was this giant pick up note i was avoiding like the plague. i'm rather laid back and unphased by the rest of this, none of which i have figured out at this point. for now, i will most likely temp and babysit to earn some money for at least the month of march, while i figure out how best to go forward in a way that allows me to earn money while pursuing any or all of my creative endeavors. which is the part that probably should scare me, and would scare most people, but, at some point between 51st and lexington and 50th and park this morning i finally stopped holding my breath, realizing i had safely survived the pick up and gotten into the piece, and now i'm just enjoying all the sharps and flats of this first movement.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

two weeks notice.

rEsIgNeD. holy shit. i quit.

after almost 4 years i finally said enough is enough, it's time to move on and seek new opportunities. it is time to try to pay my bills while doing something, anything, that brings me personal and/or creative fulfillment.

i won't lie, while i am exceptionally relieved, i am also freaking out a little bit. just a little bit.
i'll be fine thought. right?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

no shit, sherlock.

rEaDy AiM fIrE.
top headline on yahoo: "cheney apparently breaks key hunting rule"
you think so? he shot a man. in the face, neck, and chest. i'm pretty sure it goes without saying that he fucked up. big time. i also think he may have broken more than just a key hunting rule...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

i guess it really is winter after all.

SnOw SnApShOts.

out the back window.

out the front window.

just when it seemed like this winter was officially going to be the winter that wasn't, we got sucker-punched with a record breaking blizzard. i gotta say good for mother nature keeping us on our toes and throwing in a surprise curve ball. i must admit, i didn't believe the forecast and thought it was sheer hype. my cynicism coming from 27 years of living in the northeast and watching the rabid ferocity with which local news stations and weathermen will jump on any chance to forecast a winter storm, particularly during extended stretches of no snowfall to speak of, and more than half the time, i'd dare a say a strong majority of the time, being absolutely wrong in their predictions. more often than not, these supposed blizzards and nor'easters get "talked out to sea" and never hit us. i have many a painful memory of anticipated snow days that never materialized because of blatant misforecasts by the weathermen. and so i was surprised yesterday morning to see the weathermen still talking about it, still issuing blizzard warnings for the city, laying out their timelines for the storm and making their accumulation predictions. and i was also relieved, as it looked like it wouldn't start in earnest until after midnight, and might, therefore, not negatively impact audience turnout for our shenanigans show. at about 3:00 yesterday afternoon, when the flurries were becoming more steady, and slightly ahead of schedule, i started to think, "oh shit, it's really going to snow isn't it?" and out the window flew my denial. it snowed as i went to rehearsal at 5:00pm. and it really snowed as jessma & i trudged from e. 2nd & c to st. marks & 1st at 9:00pm. and at that point i was not a happy camper. and i was more or less cursing the cold wet white shit falling from the sky. and my heart sank as i started to wonder who the hell would be crazy enough to willingly leave warm, dry apartments in these conditions just to watch some sketch comedy? well, it turns out a lot of people are that crazy. our turn out was amazing. we had to put people on the floor and scrounge up extra chairs. it turns out i was wrong twice yesterday. new york city was in fact due for a blizzard. and people do come out in snow storms to see shows. sometimes, it's good to be wrong.

the thing about snow is that it is actually quite breathtaking. even though it presents challenges, even though it delays or cancels things, even though it makes travel trying, even though it leaves you cold and raw and numb. it is still exquisite. the blizzard has been beautiful. everything is covered in white, giving off an impression of safety and serenity. bedford ave, which is usually bustling on a sunday, was sleepy this afternoon. and, again, tonight, as i made my way from my bikram class on the lower east side to the first avenue L station, there were few people out and about. the streets are far emptier than they would otherwise be, affording you the opportunity to enjoy them, to take in the scenery with some degree of privacy and ease, and so i did. rather than walking straight up first avenue, i took detours up and down the side streets, wandered over to see tomkins square park asleep under almost 2 feet of snow, to gaze at the beautiful brownstones and townhouses of the east village with their windowsills, staircases, and wrought iron railings and gates perfectly adorned with white fluffy snow. like a scene out of a perfectly crafted novel or movie. i love nighttime after a snowfall, the unexpected brightness because moonlight and streetlights and porch lights reflect off of the bright white snow rather than the dark dull concrete and pavement. i love the way snow finds every crook and crevice and redefines the space it lands on. i can walk down a block i walk down every single day and i will see something different after a snowfall like we just had. a space between buildings. a design in a fence. something will be highlighted by its new coat of snow and i will see it for the first time. i love the way snow can bring everything to a standstill. with cars buried and many sidewalks not even having seen a shovel yet, everything changes. getting from here to there is not what it was yesterday, is not what it will be tomorrow. today it is a challenge, if not impossible, and might not be worth the effort. and if you can't run out for this or can't get out for that, you stay in and instead do something else, maybe something you've been putting off, maybe something you wouldn't have made time to do otherwise...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

a perfect balance.

tHe SuN cOmEs Up. i took the 6:45am bikram class again this morning and, so, for the second morning in a row, i was awed by pre-dawn new york city. its serenity, its beauty, its quiet vitality. like a moment suspended in time, balancing in the neither here nor there. not dark, not light. the sky a blue with the intensity of the atlantic ocean, a few miles from the coast, in an area teaming with life beneath the surface that forces some green into the bright, dark blue of the water. teal, and yet not teal. blues from a family of color not seen during the day, not seen during twilight, seen only in these fleeting moments before the sun rises. it's like catching that moment in between an inhale and an exhale. it’s not positive, it’s not negative. it is as close to perfect balance as you can get. and it is therefore, somehow, boundless. and i feel suddenly at ease and hopeful and capable. i see opportunities and space and possibilities. raw inspiration rushes through my tired, not quite awake body and mind. i want to hold on to this moment forever. i want to frolic, to create, to embark on a new adventure...

Thursday, February 02, 2006

this is what i am doing a week from saturday.

hOw aBoUt yOu?

eXTReMe Tracker