today has never happened and it doesn't frighten me.

i hEaRt nEw yOrK. holy fuck. so i'm doing this guerilla dance team thing and we are dancing tonight at the lower manhattan cultural council benefit, "the downtown dinner", honoring bjork, michel gondry, elliot spitzer, jon corzine, and developer larry silverstein and his wife klara.

this benefit is on the 52nd floor of 7 world trade center.
the 52nd floor.
which, for whatever reason, remains unfinished, a huge open raw industrial loft space.
with floor to ceiling windows ALL THE WAY AROUND.
it is the fucking most phenomenal view i've ever seen. i mean you can literally see everything and anything in any direction for miles............
and at monday night's rehearsal it was the first time we were in the space as the sun set. the sun so giant, seemingly so close with us being so high above everything else, as though something had reached down and plucked me out of the crowded hectic frenzy that is manhattan and lifted me up, up, up above it all to give me this private showing of the sun saying its farewell for this day. so quiet. so serene.
and it nearly broke my heart with its grace and beauty.

and fuck me i've bitched about these rehearsals. and i haven't really slept in days trying to be at work and class and rehearsal and benefits and all this other shit i've committed to. overcommitted to. and i have days, so many days, when i wonder what the hell i'm doing. and why. and to what end. and for what purpose. and has there been any success? will there be any success? and what the fuck is success? and i make plans. and i break plans. and i revise plans. and i worry about failing at my plans. and i worry about not having enough plans.....and more often than i would expect, i am asked "why new york?" and i am never satisfied with the words as they trip and stumble out of my mouth. they seem very simple and trite and not at all evocative of the instinctive, intuitive, emotional draw i have to this piece of earth, its energy, its challenges, its rewards, its crowds, its dirt, its beauty, its opportunities.....it's this shit, it's tonight, it's surprising a bunch of people who paid $1000 a plate to feel like they are in some way benefiting the arts of lower manhattan with sudden choreographed dances that i get to do with 9 of my friends, possibly running into bjork, but at least knowing we are at the same cocktail party, 52 stories above manhattan, watching the sun set right in front of my eyes, over new york city and all its nooks and neighborhoods and boroughs........these experiences, these are why i'm here, and why i don't want to be anywhere else, for the moment anyway, and why i cannot imagine what my life would be or who i would be were i not here doing these crazy and unexpected things that i just seem to trip upon......