are we there yet?

FiNaLLy. and so it is cold. and so it is thanksgiving. and so we have hopefully reached the final day of radiation. and slowly and suddenly at the same time things begin to return to normal, to the familiar. fall feels like fall and life beyond comes back into view. i can tell this from my dreams, too, which for the first time in months have revolved around future action rather than reliving or reinventing a past or current event. i am trying to breathe, to relax, to let relief sink in. but is hard to do, harder than it sounds. my worry, my fear, my anxiety, my anger, my shock, my grief...it holds on in every nook and crevice of my body and skeleton. i feel it in my bones, in my joints, in my muscles. it seems to be a part of the very fiber of my being. ingrained. imprinted. trapped. and i do not know how to loosen it, to expel it. i sweat and i stretch every day and it seemingly does no good. and so i try to learn to live with it, around it, because of it, in spite of it...