sCeNtS mEmOrY. i woke up at 5am out of a dream, of which i didn't remember much, except that i was smelling a bunch of daffodils. and i could smell them. which did seem strange to me because i have a cold right now and when i woke up i was so congested that i had no sense of smell whatsoever. but in my dream i could distinctly smell the flowers. so i guess we can use senses in our dreams even when they are not available to us in a state of consciousness... ?
anyway, the flowers made me think spring, as do the 70 degree temperatures today. and all of that brought about this.
the first time i had any legitimate sense that i might be okay after my dad's death came from a smell, a scent of spring. months after his death, but, at least not years i suppose...i was sitting in the backseat of my mom's car. i assume the radio was on or a tape was playing, we were never without music, but i cannot hear it in my mind, do not recall it. i was wearing an esprit skirt, my favorite skirt (in an attempt to otherwise improve our lives without our father and, i suppose, as a reaction to learning how short life is, our mother had begun to drastically improve our wardrobes). the skirt was white, a very thin cotton, with a wide tight waistband, and a pleated poofy skirt that fell above the knee. almost like an upside down tulip. the pattern was one of flowers and small polka dots. the flowers were abstract and geometric, outlined by one unbroken swirling bold black line and filled in with the softest breath of pink. there were light blue and black polka dots. i loved this skirt. words cannot describe how much i loved this skirt. when i put it on i felt transformed. i felt pretty, and this was back at a time (quite possibly almost the last) when i actually knew, legitimately, what it was like to feel pretty. without qualifiers, without conditions, without comparisons. that experience of putting on an article of clothing and knowing, without question, without reservation, without fear, that i am beautiful in this moment is one that i doubt i will ever have again...in my memory i only see my lap. i do not know what shirt i was wearing. or shoes. though, based on the year, the season, and the outfit, i can safely assume i was wearing my white leather reebok sneakers - you know, with the one reebok symbol in blue embroidered lettering. we were driving down haggetts pond road, coming up to the right hand turn onto high plain road. in front of the lot at the corner where the two roads intersect. i don't know where we were coming from, though to be headed in that direction on haggetts pond it was most likely dunstable or somewhere else that we would have taken 495 from. had we been headed from somewhere off of 93 we'd have been driving on river road or greenwood road. at this point in time, there was no house on this corner lot. just a field of grass, weeds, and wildflowers. and as my mom approached this right hand turn, windows rolled down partway, there was a moment, an instant, really, when the warmth of the sunlight hit my lap and a smell came in through my nostrils and truly registered in my brain. a mix of grass and wet earth and pollen. and something released. in my bones, in my muscles, in my mind, in my heart. something soothed. something comforted. this smell brought a feeling and this feeling brought knowledge and that knowledge brought hope. silently. instantly. unnoticed. in the backseat of a car.
"i was okay." "i would be okay."
this was the first time i had had those thoughts.
hope. this was something my 9 year old self had been without since he died. and i do believe - no, i know - that this hope saved my life.
