pope john paul the second loses his bid to be longest serving pope ever and has to settle for third place.

citing a number of factors, including natural causes and circumstances beyond their control, pope john paul ii's camp is taking their bronze medal in length of pontific reign in stride. "of course there's disappointment at a time like this, it's only natural. but, you know, i guess he's in a better place and all that," explained jennifer, an active member of john paul superstar: campaign for the longest reigning pope ever (jps: cflrpe). added fellow member, matthew: "yeah. and what good would it do to look back and say 'if only he hadn't had that heart condition, if only his kidneys had been stronger . . .' that stuff gets you nowhere. he gave it his all, we all did, and, you know, third place isn't shabby. jps: cflrpe had a big energy boost last year when we passed leo xiii, but we all knew catching up to pius ix would be tough and, in the end, the old guy just didn't have it in him."

sMiLe LiKe YoU mEAn iT. i checked out the scene at st. patricks cathedral yesterday and, rest assured, there is no need for any sort of moratorium on photo opps at catholic sites. in fact, you should grab the kids, get in the station wagon, and strike while the iron is hot. i mean, anyone can have their 'smiling on the steps of st. patricks' shot in the family photo album, but how often do you get the chance for the 'smiling on the steps of st. patricks with the purple and black banners of mourning for the pope behind you' shot? that's right, this is historic. it's gonna be awhile before this chance comes along again, so act fast. the picture will look great right before those zany shots you took down at the world trade center. and will be almost as classy. so, michael, put your arm around your sister, give me a big smile, and say cheese!

hElP WaNteD. for the 5.2% of americans who are unemployed, you may have been disappointed when the us dept of labor released their numbers on april 1 and only 110,000 new jobs had been created in the month of march. well, you can now make that 110,001.