it's not easy being green.

sOaP bOx. in a conversation last night i found myself professing that nothing worthwhile is easy. and the girl i said this to, as she thought about it, asked me if i really believed that. and i thought, "i think i do, but do i?" and i stopped and i thought about it. and i do. whether it comes at the beginning, in the middle, at the end, or ever afterwards, at some point anything that matters, anything of great importance, will be difficult. whether it is physical or emotional or psychological, at some point it will try you or hurt you or challenge you. and that will be the moment that confirms its significance. enduring or overcoming will allow you to understand its worth.

a lot of times the challenge is upfront. things like getting a degree or putting on a show or, for the girl i was talking to last night, getting citizenship, these all challenge us to struggle through a process in order to, hopefully, be successful at the other end and achieve or receive the desired object. and the object usually takes on even greater significance or value to us because we did go through a challenging process and did give so much in order to get.

but not everything that matters to us, that is worthwhile, is a goal, an end we are working towards. and sometimes things come easy. sometimes opportunities land in our laps. or people land in our lives, with ease, with grace, with love, with happiness. these are the instances when either somewhere along the way or at the end it stops being easy. the best relationships are those that can withstand arguments, can weather fights and be strengthened in the process. often loss is the clearest instructor of the value of a person or relationship or accomplishment or object. a lesson in negative space, we see the size and shape and breadth of something in a new or more complete light when we look at the void left when it is no longer there. i know this has been true repeatedly in my experiences, my father being the clearest example. i did nothing to initiate that relationship other than be born as his daughter. i loved him completely and unconditionally without holding anything back, with no guards, no defenses. i admired him, i idolized him, i laughed at every joke he made, i craved time with him. and on certain levels, as a young girl, i knew the value of my relationship with him. i would without reluctance and with total sincerity declare him the best dad ever and my mom the best mom ever. and i meant it. as much as i could. and even deeper than that i knew that i was fortunate, i knew that there were other children who did not have parents they loved and that loved them as much. but, still, so much of that relationship, that time i had with him was taken for granted. it has been in the years since he died, which now number 18, that i have come to know just how much he meant to me and how significant his presence in my life was. feeling that loss, being forced to exist without him allows me to feel in a more honest and complete way than i ever did before the age of 9 the fortune of knowing him, the love i have for him. grief has taught me that looking at the negative space sheds light on the postive space.

last weekend i took a posture clininc at my bikram studio with craig villani, the director of education worldwide for bikram yoga. and one of the things we discussed, that has resonated with me as to why i am so drawn to the practice, is the idea behind all yoga, which is balance. trying to find balance between extremes. and realizing that you have to tap into either extreme in order to find the balance in the center that you seek. that you have to practice both hatha yoga (of the body) and raja yoga (of the mind) in order to enhance your karma yoga. that the object of pulling is stretching. that in order to lift up, another part of your body must press down. this dynamic of opposites as necessary, fundamental, and enlightening, for me, spills into everything, not just the 26 postures of the bikram series. and i think it directly correlates to my opinion that nothing worthwhile is easy. if something is only easy, if you never have to work for it, or sacrifice for it, or hurt for it, then you will not truly understand the opposite. you will never truly know just how much it means to you or just how wonderful it really is. our perception is relative and only comes to us with any degree of accuracy or meaningfulness by experiencing great joy and great pain.